I saw Jurassic World a couple weekends ago. It was a very enjoyable movie. There were dinosaurs and Chris Pratt and lots of suspense and then there was the raptor squad! I would watch a whole movie based on the raptor squad. Someone please make that happen. We shall call it RAPTOR SQUAD and it shall feature Chris Pratt as a better character and Blue, his problem child.

there is even a movie poster for it already! thank you, internet! we are on the same wavelength in this regard.

But in all the excitement, there was some basic level park management stuff that I would have done differently. This is not to diss on Clair who, as Lindsey Ellis on IFC.com pointed out, did not deserve her treatment in Jurassic World. I have seen people defending her and the feminism in the movie, but I don’t see it. Not when Clair is treated like she is for the duration of the movie. But there was some stuff that should have been done differently because, you know, this is a theme park with dinosaurs. Have none of them gotten loose before? It sure seemed like it.

1. Bunkers/shelters under the resort. In the unlikely event of an “asset” breaking loose from its cage, especially a carnivore exploring its place in the world, you want your guests to be safe and not encounter it.

2. Evacuation plans and employees who can better handle the need for evacuations. I speak about the poor teenager who took up a manual and read right from it in a voice that did not command authority at all. I understand he is a kid at a summer job but you also manage a park with freaking dinosaurs with rides that literally take guests into dinosaur encampments. You can train your employees to at least act like they are in control.

3. Pods that override manual control and return them to the start. This function must override VIP access. Not having this function is a safety hazard and should be programmed in all pods!

4. Listening to advice from handlers. Because those are the guys in the field with the dinosaurs and they are the ones that know how they act. By the way, was there a handler for the T. Rex? Should there have been? Or is there only a raptor handler because raptors are more manageable/can be trained?

5. Underground passageways that connect all the bunkers together. Entrances would be at the park attractions and rides and would lead guests to the underground bunker in the resort. You know, just in case a dinosaur got loose on the main road.

6. Better attraction ideas than genetic modification. Though cool and stuff, here are some ideas I would pitch to shareholders even though they want big and scary.

  • Join a raptor team and their handler on a hunt through a sectioned-off area of the island
  • Meet the raptor team after their hunt up close and personal. Maybe you can pet one (animal permitting)
  • Ride a giant long-neck the same way an Indian prince would ride an elephant
  • An aquarium of ancient underwater dinosaurs complete with tunnels for guests to observe the majestic creatures a la That Giant Aquarium in Okinawa, Japan.
  • Have a scientist present the science behind de-extinction technology. Make this two shows, one directed towards kids/non-science people, another directed towards adults/academics.

7. ??????????

8. Profit. Take a leaf out of Disney’s book. Grow your theme park into a giant, capitalist entity and then branch out into the entertainment and merchandising market. This is how you start to take over the world.

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